Monday, February 26, 2007

An oscar for every occasion

The academy may not have made the best choice, The Departed was an exceptionally well made morality tale about the pitfalls of power and corruption, yet it was something we have seen numerous times before. Still it was Scorsese's turn and like stoned badger after twinkies, he could not be denied. Part of me thought that momentum Little Miss Sunshine had received would push the sappy Indy pic to victory, Babel's chances having been obliterated by illiterate, transient bloggers. Eddie Murphy's loss can be attributed to a singular force: the miserable failure that is Norbit. Every time I see a commercial for that movie my eyes burn as though they are infected by a new strain of gonorrhea. That fat suit has gotta smell like that area between John Goodman's legs.

I would say only in America, but most people can probably realize that. The once greatly bigoted and hate filled Senator Strom Thurmond's relatives owned not just any slaves, but the ancestors of the venerable Reverend Al Sharpton. Wouldn't it be funny if somehow Strom was Al Sharpton's uncle? You know the other uncle, the one who spews profanities in front of the 3 year olds his whiskey covered breath filling the air. And he was a Senator, at least he wasn't friends with Mark Foley. A cheap shot I know, but I had to get it in there.

Once again the most interesting quote of the weekend went to this suburban dweller, or rather it was a quote about me. Not too often are the words, "What are you doing with that knife?" uttered in a way that does not bring about memories of brutal slayings remembered from the horror films that comforted my youth. Perhaps here lies the answer. If there are still pirates in the world and I'm not one of them, I'm going to defend myself from them. Yet a pivotal point did arise, how many pirates exist in New York City. Probably more than Bloomberg is willing to recognize. Who wants to crew this galleon?

Lastly we come to the tug of war between the steamrolling obsession that is Heroes and my recent enthrallment with the newest episodes of Lost. While I was hooked on Lost from episode 1 only to watch the past season and a half be butchered by writers who had scribed for a show never expected to succeed. High concept rarely succeeds because the conceits needed are usually ignored by Hollywood, so Lost's success certainly came as a surprise. Confused and misguided, the writers used the past season as a filler to figure out exactly where to go from here. Their most recent results: most promising, yet doubts still swim doggingly. Heroes on the other hand learned from Lost, always be a working towards a definitive end when working with high concept. Supposedly there is a 5 year plan which is a step in the right direction. And its funny that high concept applies to what is essentially an X-Men rip off, be it a well done one.

Saturday, February 17, 2007

The only thing to fear is politicians

The media, politicians and corporations big and small all understand the power of fear. At its core fear is a way to monger illegitimate support. Perhaps more importantly it can be used for ever increasing economic gains. Fear is a motivator, a tool used by the elitist domination over the ignorant tribes of the American wasteland. Just look at the ignorance plaguing the Boston councils, the city's leaders fell prey to weak minded ideologies of fear. Henry Jenkins has a fascinating post on the politics of fear which can be found here. The main problem of fear mongering is that there exists no plausible way to defeat such unsound arguments. So I think the government in Boston overreacted to the vast Mooninite threat, apparently I am soft on terrorism. God forbid the concept that once you change a lifestyle in reaction to a threat against such lifestyle, the group creating the threat wins. I understand the need for security, but when such security is developed out of the lies of fear the terrorists have already defeated us. Just look at the French.

Speaking of ignorant viewpoints, I have been glorified to deliver a message on the same scale as intelligent design. Apparently the curvature of the horizon is a lie and Antarctica is nothing more than a 150 foot tall ice wall which shields us from the danger of the cosmos. Yes folks its true, the earth is flat at least according to these scientific experts. I guess that trip I took from Hawaii to Japan didn't actually fly over the pacific, rather the pilot lied on the voyage. As the nerve gas developed by the reverse vampires slowly sank into my bloodstream a call echoed across the fuselage. "Folks this is your captain, in order to avoid the the thralls of Satan's round world we will be gassing you for several hours. We will be arriving in Tokyo after turning around because the world ends exacrtly 4.2 miles ahead. This is Quantas airlines thanking you ahead of time." Its too bad that the rotation of the earth is nothing more than an illusion of man created to deal with the reality of flat earth. I guess decent explorer in the history of mankind was wrong. I hope the earth doesn't fall off the turtle's back, we might have an earthquake. Gravity was invented by the Rand corporation in 1994.

Sometimes I feel like the Atlas of common sense.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Love beyond boundaries

If you have looked on the interweb recently, the picture of a married couple has been floating about. The picture in question features an Iraq vet who returned to marry his childhood sweetheart. It is quite possibly the most important picture taken since the Iraq war began, because it displays the power of the heart in overcoming all adversity. You can find the story here, and I hope that it is shared with all your friends.

I guess Best Buy has decided that deception is the key marketing tool for economic success. Forget honoring online specials, our own intranet shows that you the customer was fooled. Go home but don't check that what you saw was the correct price, it wasn't. I mean look, I'm a customer service employess dressed in one of those outrageously bad blue polo shirts. Bend over and grip the table, this will only hurt for a few moments. I would go to Circuit City, but that place is like the Wal-Mart of electronics; filled with illiterate hicks who can't offer a difference between a Mac and a PC. I wanna open my own store, called Electronics for intelligent people. The problem is, intelligent people rarely buy utterly useless devices.

No longer is physical fitness any sort of priority; kids might fail gym class and that is bad. And the first step towards failure is to try, so we might as well remove any obstacles in life. Just get rid of gym class and kids no longer have to worry about failure. Forget obesity, heart disease and non-competitive natures, those problems will solve themselves. Of course it is better if our kids never fail or face adversity, it might damage their fragile psyches. I can't wait for the day when more than 3/4's of America's youth can do the Truffle Shuffle.

I'm dancing in a sea of pickle juice, licking the fingers of political vegetables.

Saturday, February 10, 2007

Like a cracked out Marilyn Monroe

While Anna Nicole Smith's death surprised even a prescient mind such as mine own, the amount of coverage that such a pointless and trivial life is receiving in the modern media is truly scary. Yes she was a celebrity albeit a useless one and yes her death was tragic. But had Marilyn Monroe died of a crack overdose, even she would not have received such airplay. It is truly saddening when the most important news of the day is the failed autopsy of a slutty blond tramp. Yes I said it and yes it was true. The media is placing Smith on a pedestal usually reserved for movie stars, forget writers, scientists and musicians. Whose gonna be the next tragic death, Flava Flav? I'll bet that'll be one pimping funeral.

I guess the scientific study of colleges has realized what any frat boy could tell you, that women drink as much as men. Having been and currently attempting to be a college student, I will vouch for the sanctity of coed beer pong. Many a virginity has been lost after several rousing matches with the bouncing white balls of intoxication. I can't believe that money is actually being wasted on determining who drinks more on college campuses. Why not ask who enjoys the donkey shows more, I am certain the results will astound you.

The epitome of internetual evolution (I have created another new term) is apparently facing economic collapse. Wikipedia, a paradigmatic example of what the internet was designed for is supposedly three to four months from financial failure. An example of free collective knowledge, this digital encyclopedia has exhibited startling growth and possibility while concern about its future has been largely ignored. My only fear is that this free range information database will fall into the hands of corporate aristocracy and lose the trustworthiness that has filled the ranks of its users. Microsoft and Wal-Mart have made known their antagonistic nature towards all things Wiki, until all articles are of a positive nature. The last bastion of free speech has now fallen to the bloggers whose rights will surely soon come under attack.

And here we come once again to the erosion of free and viable speech. The word "vagina" has entered the American canon of words which dare not be uttered nor seen by children. Welcome to a world where uncomfortable questions can be avoided by complaint, rather than the failed attempts by moronic parents to answer such questions. We live in a society dominated by fear, fear of attack, fear of sex and ear of knowledge. It would appear that medieval doctrines of life never disappeared. It's funny that the people who hate and fear radical Islamists share the most in common with them. Tonight its the Warriors of Jehova in the red corner and the Warriors of Allah in the blue corner, with knowledge and free expression having been knocked out in the first round.

Friday, February 09, 2007

And the lesbians come marching in

The military policy of don't ask, don't tell seems to be paying off. Our leaders apparently forced the resignation of a number of homosexual foreign language experts, particularly those in Arabic. And here they are crying for qualified foreign speakers to risk their lives in an oil based war. If I was getting sent to Iraq, the claim of being gay would be a viable option. Every time I hear congressional members speak I wonder if they have any idea about what is truly going on. Perhaps Rep. Ackerman does. A platoon of lesbians to defeat Americans in Iraq? Well Nancy Grace is certainly doing a damaging enough job and she certainly looks like a dyke but certainly far less intelligent. Just send those platoons of lesbians to my door; I know exactly what to do with them. Quick get the camera and 300 cans of creamed corn.

Anyone else who has walked down the NYC streets with even a shred of self-awareness and intelligence realizes that about 3/4 of the city should more than likely be nuked to the banks of the River Styx. Yes chemical castration is a viable option for most of the population and should be considered freely. How many times have you handed a person enough money to get a fiver back and they hand you four 1's because they are unable to realize 4+1=5.
The lack of mathematical ability in this country is generally considered astounding. But it should come as no surprise, science and mathematics are not the realm of the white population. We're better at praying to the altar of image, theft and the lies of capitalism. Technological innovation was always better adapted to those who were not so concerned over which movie star ate what cinnamon roll for breakfast. Screw this, I'm moving to Micronesia.

DRM, the bane of digital music's existence has received two possibly devastating attacks. First Steve Jobs attacks the true nature of DRM and states that its existence is utterly pointless. Secondly it appears that EMI is considering dropping DRM from any of its online music libraries. Perhaps the recording industry has finally realized that the champions of online pirating security are nothing more than the internet equivalent of the Homeland Security department. Ignorance and red tape seems to dominate not only the government but every echelon of business existence. Further proof that chemical castration is a good answer.

Oh man, my conspiracy theorist best friend has been proven right. I knew that footage in Signs was real, M. Night Shamalyan you can't fool the yeti. Now if only Chile will admit that those peppers are genetically enhanced by hormone fed cow's shit. I need a glass of glowing green milk to wash all this down. Mmm, radioactivity grant me the powers of cream. Oh wait, maybe thats not such a good thing.

Thursday, February 08, 2007

We represent

The unfortunate situation of man's inevitable downfall is the return to medieval spiritualism, a sort of religious de-evolution one may say. Science is in itself a form of dogma, albeit one which relies on the ability of reason to answer the questionable rather than a sustaining faith in the face of the unknown. The dogma of science is that everything is ultimately answerable which unfortunatley creates a finite universe. And that is something which frightens our quasi religious friends. Christianity has no place in a finite universe because God is finite. Logic it seems is quite incompatable with our current religious practices. Just look at the hatred of evolution, a process quite intangibly linked to human existence and perhaps just as impressive a wonder as a god.

Last night's episode of Lost was actually quite good, though still not up to par with season 1. However the good news is that more questions were answered in the 42 minutes of television Wednesday night than in the previous six episodes before hiatus. Now if only they could show it in 3-d so Evangeline Lilly would walk into my living room. It'd be like watching a dirty, sexier Princess Leia do a little jingle.

It's too bad SSAD is a disease sweeping across America. I mean first it hits Ted Haggard and the Catholic Priests. But now comes the good news, America's foremost scientific authority, the church, has revealed that Same Sex Attraction Disorder can be cured. Huzzah, I just wonder where all the good designers and interior decorators will go. And if you can't tell, I'm being a sarcastic bastard. Homosexual men and women deserve the same rights and treatment as we would afford any other human being. Which if you look around the world, isn' that good after all. Oh Denny Crane where are you, I'll even buy you a midget that looks like Oprah. Hell screw Denny Crane, just hand me the midget.

Finally we come to another great blunder in the mess that is called "Iraq." After revealing that the Pentagon had sold weapons to both Iran and the Chinese, comes word that the U.S. dropped 4 billion dollars in cash money right into Baghdad. Supposedly the crates weighed 363 tons, which is almost as much as whats in Cheney's back pocket. We send 4 billion in cash to a country halfway around the world and I can't afford healthcare. Woot, the system wins again.

Saturday, February 03, 2007

Back in the saddle

Ok, so its been a couple of long weeks what with the moving and the schooling of my unedumacated mind and all. But hopefully such painful rights of transition are behind me. Moving ever onward and forward into the dark embrace of mother nature's seriously generous bosom.

The media's propensity to decry fear and monger hatred within Americans expressed itself fully over the past week with the incidents in Boston. While the creators of the terrorist lite brite assault on the New England city were ultimately filled with foolishness, the city and the media at large wholly overreacted. If I were an actual terrorist, my bomb would not be covered in hundreds of blinking lights, illuminating a 8-bit image flipping asshats the bird. It would merely blow up. Yet once again we leave it to sensationalism and bureaucracy to fill the consciousness of the public with dreams of hyperbolic insanity. And the argument that we cannot do such things in a post 9-11 world is empty of all meaning. The instant that we change our lifestyles to prevent terrorism, it has already won. The war was over long ago. Yet on the sunnier side, there is this.

Apparently sharing lists over this interweb thing is becoming quite popular. And I can state with general certainty and listless sarcasm that such compounded fascinations are pointless, for the most part. However once in a while certain passive knowledge sites catch even my eye. Here you can find a list of the top 10 companies who hold private information.

Two things. First, it is infinitely exciting for some reason that Google does not hold the number one position on the list. It is certainly number one in my heart, next to that portable Slurpee machine I got for Christmas. Secondly is that I am not sure Amazon should truly qualify for the list. Generally Amazon recieves personal information voluntarily, whereas many others on the list do so in much shadier ways. I hear Microsoft actually hired a Internet Explorer necromancer to revive all the dead information lost by such an evil. Zombie pop-ups are being spotted everywhere. In Boston the authorities apparently thought it was a bomb.

Gamasutra, the Playboy magazine of video games has released their view of top multiplayer developments. Every game is deserved of a place, yet the group as a whole feels empty. I am not sure how both Smash TV and Gauntlet were left off the list, except perhaps to make room for the plagarist Battlefield titles. Reminiscing has made me pine for the excitement that was Tribes. A game that requires more skill and has fewer dicks than Counter-Strike (yes it is fully populated by homophobic males with the intelligence of a genetically enhanced jar of mayonnaise; you weren't dreaming). Having a jet pack would be so sweet.

Not only is the Christian Church facing vast losses of their followers, but the song of Apollo is luring Greeks away from orthodoxy. It is amusing how a structure devoted entirely to the preservation of classical ideals, hates the revival of interest in historicity. All hail the mighty Zeus, that thunderbolt which landed between my crotch scared me into belief. Oooh, another thing shared in common with Christianity and Boston.

Peace out my little cherubs.