An oscar for every occasion

The academy may not have made the best choice, The Departed was an exceptionally well made morality tale about the pitfalls of power and corruption, yet it was something we have seen numerous times before. Still it was Scorsese's turn and like stoned badger after twinkies, he could not be denied. Part of me thought that momentum Little Miss Sunshine had received would push the sappy Indy pic to victory, Babel's chances having been obliterated by illiterate, transient bloggers. Eddie Murphy's loss can be attributed to a singular force: the miserable failure that is Norbit. Every time I see a commercial for that movie my eyes burn as though they are infected by a new strain of gonorrhea. That fat suit has gotta smell like that area between John Goodman's legs.

I would say only in America, but most people can probably realize that. The once greatly bigoted and hate filled Senator Strom Thurmond's relatives owned not just any slaves, but the ancestors of the venerable Reverend Al Sharpton. Wouldn't it be funny if somehow Strom was Al Sharpton's uncle? You know the other uncle, the one who spews profanities in front of the 3 year olds his whiskey covered breath filling the air. And he was a Senator, at least he wasn't friends with Mark Foley. A cheap shot I know, but I had to get it in there.

Once again the most interesting quote of the weekend went to this suburban dweller, or rather it was a quote about me. Not too often are the words, "What are you doing with that knife?" uttered in a way that does not bring about memories of brutal slayings remembered from the horror films that comforted my youth. Perhaps here lies the answer. If there are still pirates in the world and I'm not one of them, I'm going to defend myself from them. Yet a pivotal point did arise, how many pirates exist in New York City. Probably more than Bloomberg is willing to recognize. Who wants to crew this galleon?

Lastly we come to the tug of war between the steamrolling obsession that is Heroes and my recent enthrallment with the newest episodes of Lost. While I was hooked on Lost from episode 1 only to watch the past season and a half be butchered by writers who had scribed for a show never expected to succeed. High concept rarely succeeds because the conceits needed are usually ignored by Hollywood, so Lost's success certainly came as a surprise. Confused and misguided, the writers used the past season as a filler to figure out exactly where to go from here. Their most recent results: most promising, yet doubts still swim doggingly. Heroes on the other hand learned from Lost, always be a working towards a definitive end when working with high concept. Supposedly there is a 5 year plan which is a step in the right direction. And its funny that high concept applies to what is essentially an X-Men rip off, be it a well done one.

The only thing to fear is politicians

The media, politicians and corporations big and small all understand the power of fear. At its core fear is a way to monger illegitimate support. Perhaps more importantly it can be used for ever increasing economic gains. Fear is a motivator, a tool used by the elitist domination over the ignorant tribes of the American wasteland. Just look at the ignorance plaguing the Boston councils, the city's leaders fell prey to weak minded ideologies of fear. Henry Jenkins has a fascinating post on the politics of fear which can be found here. The main problem of fear mongering is that there exists no plausible way to defeat such unsound arguments. So I think the government in Boston overreacted to the vast Mooninite threat, apparently I am soft on terrorism. God forbid the concept that once you change a lifestyle in reaction to a threat against such lifestyle, the group creating the threat wins. I understand the need for security, but when such security is developed out of the lies of fear the terrorists have already defeated us. Just look at the French.

Speaking of ignorant viewpoints, I have been glorified to deliver a message on the same scale as intelligent design. Apparently the curvature of the horizon is a lie and Antarctica is nothing more than a 150 foot tall ice wall which shields us from the danger of the cosmos. Yes folks its true, the earth is flat at least according to these scientific experts. I guess that trip I took from Hawaii to Japan didn't actually fly over the pacific, rather the pilot lied on the voyage. As the nerve gas developed by the reverse vampires slowly sank into my bloodstream a call echoed across the fuselage. "Folks this is your captain, in order to avoid the the thralls of Satan's round world we will be gassing you for several hours. We will be arriving in Tokyo after turning around because the world ends exacrtly 4.2 miles ahead. This is Quantas airlines thanking you ahead of time." Its too bad that the rotation of the earth is nothing more than an illusion of man created to deal with the reality of flat earth. I guess decent explorer in the history of mankind was wrong. I hope the earth doesn't fall off the turtle's back, we might have an earthquake. Gravity was invented by the Rand corporation in 1994.


Sometimes I feel like the Atlas of common sense.

Love beyond boundaries

If you have looked on the interweb recently, the picture of a married couple has been floating about. The picture in question features an Iraq vet who returned to marry his childhood sweetheart. It is quite possibly the most important picture taken since the Iraq war began, because it displays the power of the heart in overcoming all adversity. You can find the story here, and I hope that it is shared with all your friends.

I guess Best Buy has decided that deception is the key marketing tool for economic success. Forget honoring online specials, our own intranet shows that you the customer was fooled. Go home but don't check that what you saw was the correct price, it wasn't. I mean look, I'm a customer service employess dressed in one of those outrageously bad blue polo shirts. Bend over and grip the table, this will only hurt for a few moments. I would go to Circuit City, but that place is like the Wal-Mart of electronics; filled with illiterate hicks who can't offer a difference between a Mac and a PC. I wanna open my own store, called Electronics for intelligent people. The problem is, intelligent people rarely buy utterly useless devices.

No longer is physical fitness any sort of priority; kids might fail gym class and that is bad. And the first step towards failure is to try, so we might as well remove any obstacles in life. Just get rid of gym class and kids no longer have to worry about failure. Forget obesity, heart disease and non-competitive natures, those problems will solve themselves. Of course it is better if our kids never fail or face adversity, it might damage their fragile psyches. I can't wait for the day when more than 3/4's of America's youth can do the Truffle Shuffle.

I'm dancing in a sea of pickle juice, licking the fingers of political vegetables.

Like a cracked out Marilyn Monroe

While Anna Nicole Smith's death surprised even a prescient mind such as mine own, the amount of coverage that such a pointless and trivial life is receiving in the modern media is truly scary. Yes she was a celebrity albeit a useless one and yes her death was tragic. But had Marilyn Monroe died of a crack overdose, even she would not have received such airplay. It is truly saddening when the most important news of the day is the failed autopsy of a slutty blond tramp. Yes I said it and yes it was true. The media is placing Smith on a pedestal usually reserved for movie stars, forget writers, scientists and musicians. Whose gonna be the next tragic death, Flava Flav? I'll bet that'll be one pimping funeral.

I guess the scientific study of colleges has realized what any frat boy could tell you, that women drink as much as men. Having been and currently attempting to be a college student, I will vouch for the sanctity of coed beer pong. Many a virginity has been lost after several rousing matches with the bouncing white balls of intoxication. I can't believe that money is actually being wasted on determining who drinks more on college campuses. Why not ask who enjoys the donkey shows more, I am certain the results will astound you.

The epitome of internetual evolution (I have created another new term) is apparently facing economic collapse. Wikipedia, a paradigmatic example of what the internet was designed for is supposedly three to four months from financial failure. An example of free collective knowledge, this digital encyclopedia has exhibited startling growth and possibility while concern about its future has been largely ignored. My only fear is that this free range information database will fall into the hands of corporate aristocracy and lose the trustworthiness that has filled the ranks of its users. Microsoft and Wal-Mart have made known their antagonistic nature towards all things Wiki, until all articles are of a positive nature. The last bastion of free speech has now fallen to the bloggers whose rights will surely soon come under attack.

And here we come once again to the erosion of free and viable speech. The word "vagina" has entered the American canon of words which dare not be uttered nor seen by children. Welcome to a world where uncomfortable questions can be avoided by complaint, rather than the failed attempts by moronic parents to answer such questions. We live in a society dominated by fear, fear of attack, fear of sex and ear of knowledge. It would appear that medieval doctrines of life never disappeared. It's funny that the people who hate and fear radical Islamists share the most in common with them. Tonight its the Warriors of Jehova in the red corner and the Warriors of Allah in the blue corner, with knowledge and free expression having been knocked out in the first round.